


The Adventures of Salmon Dean

by secret_samadhi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bears, Crack, Don't worry, Moose!Sam, absurdity, getting chased by bears?, mega!coven, salmon!dean, they don't get him, ummm.... It is a fic about salmon!dean?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-06-10 17:59:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6967441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secret_samadhi/pseuds/secret_samadhi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The epic adventures of salmon Dean, as envisioned by Jared Padalecki at JIBcon.  WHEREIN Dean gets turned into a salmon and lightly chased around for a while by some bears.  That is literally all that happens, so if you don't find that concept amusing... I'm sure you will be able to find a better, more enjoyable fic easily!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Adventures of Salmon Dean (pt.1).

Dean is in a bad fight with a witch. A very bad fight, a very powerful witch. Pretty much the usual for him, right? Right, except that this time, the witch doesn't find him as charming as most of the witches usually do, and she turns him into a salmon. Why a salmon? Why not a frog, that's a pretty standard witchy thing, isn't it? Who knows, maybe she has some kind of deal with fish-kind, maybe she used to be a mermaid, maybe salmon is the last thing she ate and that's just how the spell works. 

"Works" we have to say loosely here, because even after the spell is complete, Dean finds himself still (1) able to breathe air, (2) wearing a shrunken down fish-shaped version of his plaid and leather jacket, and (3) standing on two tiny fish-proportioned bowlegs. Or maybe this was all intentional, this witch was pretty inscrutable (see previous re: not finding Dean charming and the idea to turn him into a salmon in the first place). 

It's a good thing about the legs though, because even though he can breathe the air, he doesn't really like it, and he feels all dry and itchy. His newly acquired fish-sense is giving him a pretty good idea of where to find water (from tiny traces of humidity, undetectable by humans, maybe?), but he wouldn't be able to flop that far from his present location in the now-empty spell circle in the woods without his tiny legs. And he's glad he doesn't have to, that would be undignified. 

He starts to run towards the water as fast as his little legs will carry him. But, uh-oh, new complication. He passes by the entrance to a cave that is currently occupied by a mama bear and her two cubs. Here's what we need to know about bears for the present purposes: (1) they like to eat salmon and (2) millions of years of evolution have shaped the bear perceptual system such that it orients automatically when something moves quickly in its peripheral vision. What these two facts combine to mean, then, is there is almost literally nothing on the planet that would capture the attention of a bear more completely than a salmon, moonlight flashing off its scales, scampering (and Dean is sure as shit scampering; much to his chagrin there is really no other accurate word for it) by the entrance to its cave in the middle of the night. 

The bears give chase. "Fuck," salmon Dean says, "I am being chased by bears." Actually, he doesn't say this, his mouth just kind of gapes open and shut a few times, the way the mouths of fish do when they are out of the water. Right, fish don't have vocal chords (even when they can breathe gaseous oxygen, apparently). He pumps his tiny bowlegs faster. 

Fortunately for salmon Dean, these bears have been living in close proximity to this inscrutable witch's circle for long enough that they are a bit wary about just chasing after any weird creature that appears in front of their cave. So they follow salmon Dean, but they follow him at a distance that says "we have been burned by seemingly edible half-fish creatures exploding in balls of eldritch fire before." They follow him right to the water's edge, and when he scampers in (in a very dignified manner, the most dignified ever entrance into a water feature by a bowlegged fish being chased by three bears, in all the history of fish, or bears, in fact) they all sit down on their furry bear haunches and start grooming their paws. Their reasoning (such as it is), is that if salmon Dean doesn't explode in a ball of eldritch flame by morning, he will probably be safe to eat. Then they will eat him, obviously. Salmon Dean doesn't know this, he thinks he has escaped into the river, erroneously believing that bears aren't willing to follow their prey into the water (this will not be the last time that Dean's regrettable lack if expertise on the topic of bear behavior will prove to be a liability in this saga). Blissful in his ignorance, he settles down behind a rock, where the current doesn't pull so hard, eyes just peeping out so he can keep an eye on the bears, just in case, while he takes a rest, lets his scales get wet again (ah, it feels so good), and thinks of a plan.


	2. The Adventures of Salmon Dean (pt. 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh-ho! Looks like Sam has been turned into a woodland creature too! How are they going to get out of this!

As it turns out, the inscrutable witch that turned Dean into a salmon was a member of the mega!coven. In fact, Dean was only out in the woods distracting her so that Sam could take care of the real business, namely, Rowena. Rowena knows that everyone thought it was pretty awesome when she threatened to turn Sam into an actual moose, and so tonight, while he is annoying her in an abandoned warehouse (of course it is an abandoned warehouse, Winchesters split up, one in bear-infested woods, one in an abandoned warehouse, check), it occurs to her that it might be an even more popular move if she follows through on the threat and does turn him into an actual moose. She pauses her spell work to carefully consider the pros and cons of this solution to her current annoying-Sam problem. Her pause lasts exactly one-one hundredth of a second--because, who is she kidding, there are no cons to this solution--before POOF Sam is a moose. An actual moose, as opposed to a figurative one. "That's right, you great galumphing moose! Now get out of my sight, before I turn you into something even worse!" And Sam does, because let's face it, galumphing is just about the only thing a moose can do, and he's not going to galumph further _into_ Rowena's business at this point, as she's made it pretty clear how she is going to react to that (i.e., by transmogrifying him into unnatural creatures). He's a little confused as he makes a loud and un-graceful exit because, first of all, he's a moose, so his cognitive abilities aren't what you or I might consider tops, and, second of all, he's still wearing his flannel and heavy jacket, and... Why? From a narrative perspective, this latter fact is making it seem like maybe these mega!coven witches, un-charming as they are finding the Winchesters this evening, nonetheless have a soft spot for all the plaid. 

Having made a safe (albeit ungraceful) exit from the abandoned warehouse, Sam figures his next move should be to go find Dean, to see how his distraction operation went and start the de-moose-ifying process. He knows where the witch's circle in the woods is, he and Dean scouted it out earlier, so he decides to go there first. The woods directly abut the abandoned warehouse, which is fortunate since, as a moose, Sam cannot lawfully (or unlawfully, for that matter), operate the Impala.

He discovers that he can move pretty fast as a moose. Loud, but fast. He also discovers that there is some kind of tingling thing going on in his antlers. It feels a little bit like tiny magnets that are straining to go back in the direction of Rowena, like maybe they can sense and are attracted to magic. He's not sure if this is a special side-effect of the spell or a normal moose power that no one ever knew about, but that's academic at the moment since (1) he already knows where Rowena is and (2) he has no desire whatsoever to go back in her direction. 

When he makes it to the spell circle, it's empty. And, puzzling. From the footprints, it looks like two humans walked in to it, but zero humans walked out. Maybe the witch teleported herself and Dean somewhere? Then, there are all these little tiny prints that look like they were made by the feet of something the size of a Barbie doll. Those run in what appear to be confused circles for a while before leaving the spell circle in what sounds like the direction of a river. Sam decides to follow them, maybe whatever made them saw what happened to Dean. 

He makes a lot of noise approaching the river. He's used to being big and nevertheless moving quietly in the forest, but he is not used to having four ungainly hooves and antlers that are over a meter wide. He's cursing himself for it, but unbeknownst to him, it's pretty handy that he sucks so much at being a sneaky moose, because the bears that have up until now been hanging out on the bank of the river waiting for a tasty Dean-flavored-snack hear him coming a mile away and book it out of there. One salmon, no matter how shiny or fast moving, is not worth all the aggravation of having to share river bank space with a moose that, from the sound of it, is so severely in heat that it can't even walk straight. 

The river bank is therefore deserted when Sam shambles up. He pauses to re-assess the tracks that he has been following, and confirms that, no, it doesn't look like the bears that were also apparently following the wee footsteps of this mystery creature caught up to it and ate it, rather, the tiny tracks make it all the way down to the river and disappear into the water. So, mystery creature survived then. Ok. He's just starting to try to work out what he should do next, when, no shit, a salmon on legs walks up out of the river. A salmon on legs that is... also wearing a jacket and a plaid shirt. Fuck. 

"Dean?" he asks? Moose do have vocal chords, but they are mostly used for cowing rivals during mating season, so it comes out more like "eeeaaaeeeeeuh"? [The bears hear this and internally commend themselves for getting out of the way of a moose that is so deeply in the throes of heat that it apparently has mistaken a tree or a rock of something for a potential mate.]

It doesn't matter that his vocal chords are as indelicate as the rest of him right now, because irony never has been lost on Dean so he'd be pretty quick to recognize Sam-as-moose no matter what the situation, even if said moose weren't wearing Sam's plaid shirt and he hadn't also just been turned into a plaid-wearing woodland creature by a member of the mega!coven. Dean finds himself in a state of mixed blessings upon this recognition. On the one hand, "Find Sam" was step #1 on the plan he was working on while he was hiding in the water. On the other hand, step #2 was "And have him turn me back into not being a fucking fish." He's guessing that Sam was working on a similar plan, but replace "not being a fucking fish" with "not being a fucking moose." Or, not being an actual moose, whatever, the bottom line is that Dean is going to have to think of a new plan, and ideally he's going to do it before the bears come back (he doesn't actually need to worry about that, and he wouldn't if he were aware of how disturbing moose Sam's mating behaviors are to good, sensible, bears, but like so much regarding moose mating behavior and its cultural significance to North American bears he is in ignorance here so unfortunately he will continue to worry unnecessarily). Ok then, new plan. He gives Sam a look that he hopes conveys, despite the beadiness and general lack of expressiveness common to fish eyes, something like "you've got to be fucking kidding me," before lowering himself back into the water, to think.


	3. The Adventures of Salmon Dean (pt. 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stunning conclusion. Castiel saves the day!

Forty-five minutes later, Dean has a plan, and Sam is passed out on the river bank in what might be the world's most annoying moose-nap, complete with outrageous moose-snores. "Glad you are taking our situation so seriously," Dean thinks to himself, even while admitting that they have been in tougher spots on a pretty regular basis since before they were old enough to shave. The plan goes like this: (1) go to a place with fewer (ideally "no") bears, and then (2) pray to Castiel and hope that he hears the prayers of salmon and moose. Part 1 should be pretty easy if Dean can wake Sam up, so, technically, part (0) of the plan is "Wake Sam up." Dean kicks him with his tiny legs. No dice. He scrambles up onto his back, and jumps up and down. Nope. Climbs up his neck and kicks him in the ear. Sam just tosses his head and Dean falls off. Fuck. This would be a lot easier if he had arms, or vocal chords. He picks up the pointiest stick he can find in his mouth, and, at ramming speed, pokes it into Sam's back haunch. Success! Sam leaps to his feet, head whipping around back and forth to identify the source of the poke. He calms (a little), when he sees salmon Dean standing there behind him with the stick, and rolls his eyes. Salmon Dean rolls his eyes right back, then jerks his head towards the edge of the woods, and starts to walk. Sam follows along for a little while, taking one step for approximately 20 of salmon Dean's, before leaning over and nudging salmon Dean in the back with his moose-muzzle. Dean pauses and looks back at Sam, who kneels down and tosses his head towards his back. Dean gets it. He climbs up onto Sam's shoulders and wraps his bowlegs as tightly as he can around Sam's neck. After that, they are out of the woods in no time.

As soon as they are back on sweet, solid, pavement, Dean clambers down off Sam's back, kneels, and prays. _Castiel. I hope you can hear my prayer, buddy. The operation with the mega!coven didn't go very well and we need your-_ -

Castiel appears, disheveled and intense looking as always. "Dean. Are you-" his gaze drops the approximate 6 feet between where Dean's eyes should be and where they actually are. "Why have you turned yourself into a salmon?"

Salmon Dean breathes a huge sigh of relief. Cas is here! Cas heard him! He's not going to have to be a salmon forever! He's not going to get eaten by bears. Good old Cas. _I didn't do this to myself--_

Castiel turns around when Sam paws awkwardly at the concrete behind him. "And Sam. Why have you turned yourself into a moose." He pauses, and squints. "An actual moose."

 _We didn't do this to ourselves, Cas,_ Dean explains _, Listen, the mega!coven did this to us, you have to turn us back._

Cas squints some more, and now does the head-tilt too. "Are you sure? Being a salmon has many advantages over being a human. You can breathe underwater, you are immune to fire magic--"

_No! Cas! You have to turn us back!_

But Cas is gaining momentum now, and isn't going to be easy to stop. "I should have thought of it myself, actually, you couldn't have done hardly any damage with the Mark of Cain if you had been a salmon."

_CAS! Focus, buddy! I don't want to be a salmon! Sam doesn't want to be a moose--_

"And moose are very strong; they have a very high muscle to mass ratio, and they also have the ability to sense magic"

Aha! Sam thinks. So that's what that tingle was. He gets into the conversation now, though, because as funny as it is to listen to Cas try to explain to Dean all the advantages inherent in remaining a salmon, he does NOT want to remain a moose. An actual moose, that is. _Cas, what I think Dean is trying to say is that while he fully recognizes that other animals have some abilities that humans don't have, there are a lot of human abilities that are really important to him, like speech and having arms to hold knives with._

Cas looks back and forth skeptically between Sam and Dean. "Are you sure?"

 _YES, Jesus Christ!_ Dean thinks.

_Yeah, we're sure Cas._

"OK. If you're sure. If you ever change your mind though, all you have to do is ask," Cas says, and then reaches out to touch his first two fingers to Salmon Dean's forehead. Fingers glow, Dean glows, and Dean is human again. He repeats with Sam.

"Cas, thanks man. Thanks," says Dean.

"Yeah, thanks," says Sam.

"It's no problem. If you don't like being a salmon, Dean, maybe you would like being a dolphin? They are very intelligent, and even have rudimentary linguistic capabilities." Dean is shaking his head. "Or maybe a shark? They are apex predators, you know. You wouldn't even need a knife you would have so many teeth..."

Dean just puts an arm around him and lets him keep talking as they all walk towards the Impala. The sun is rising behind the abandoned factory, and everyone is human and whole. Not a bad day, for the Winchesters.


End file.
